Evening at Zambezi River, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe, May 2015
and so does everything around... the situation, the people, the perspective, the needs.... and we too change.... the wise and courageous seek change.. because only change is constant!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

66. Dil- e- Nadan…..

Body and Mind are woven together. We assume it to be a single unit. Until the twins work smoothly, we don’t notice their separate and sometimes pulling apart existence. Small disagreements within them are managed by habit, samskara, rationality, manners, culture. However the serious disagreements between body and mind cause devastating results.

To a certain extent, Pleasure and Pain on physical, material plane is easy to understand. It has logic, reason which is easy to follow. A tea lover naturally would be happy to get a cup of tea and pained in its absence. Look at our life closely and we will know that on many occasions, the pleasure-pain duo crosses physical realm and enters into subtle and invisible arena. Naturally it is beyond any logic.

Sometimes the mind pops up in its naked form, and the display is not always agreeable. Because we are trained to behave in a certain way, we mostly behave in a socially accepted way. It does not mean that we have really accepted the way. The mind rebels, the body rebels. But from experience we know the limit of rebellion. Beyond that we sing the set tunes. I understand this ‘come back’ lifestyle; because fighting everyday requires energy and commitment. Better to reserve the energy for the right moment and the right cause. This too is a very much taught principle.

I remember an incidence which taught me lessons about my mind, lessons about importance of training mind and lessons about not assuming myself with so much of certainty. I realized that at times I can be something which I never thought of and never want to be.

I was in the midst of Vipassna training. It is 12 day course, which presents various tools and techniques to know ourselves. For 10 full days, you are not supposed to talk a single word. You do not read, you do not write, you do not exercise. You do not follow any religious rules and norms. You just follow the instructions of the teacher and meditate. From 4.30 in the morning to 9.00 in the night, you are expected to meditate. In nutshell, you work on your body and mind, observe their responses and don’t react to it. It is the way Gautama the Buddha meditated.

I was in one such training course. I have found the training very beneficial, so I follow all the rules. There is a huge meditation hall. More than 300 people can sit together in that hall. I was given a seat in the first row. I was sitting there. After a small break, when the session was to restart, other people were coming in. One woman was just walking in front of me. I suddenly thought, “If now I stretch my leg, she will definitely fall down. It will be a fun.”

I do not know why I thought so. I did not know the woman so there was no cause to have any ill-feeling towards her. For so many years, I have assumed that I am incapable of causing unnecessary pain to others. Even my enemies (I don’t have any enemy is my assumption!) would not imagine me doing this. I am supposed to be honest, sincere, helpful, selfless, committed, hard working, peaceful person. I mean that is my general image outside. And here I was: thinking about troubling a person who has not at all troubled me.

Why such a horrible thought? What was I trying to achieve? Form where did it come?
I did not understand then. Nor do I understand it today.

I admit that some people have harassed me without any apparent cause. May be for them if there is a feeling of revenge deep in my mind, I can at least understand the logic. I can deal with the ugliness because there is some cause to be ugly, there is some provocation. Generally I control such ugliness because I overcome it logically, rationally. I decide not to react, not to respond. I control myself and take pride in the act of self-control. I ignore such people and do not allow them to affect my life. It is comparatively easy.

But in this case without any external stimulus, my mind was in its full ugliness. It was without any external provocation, and so it was more serious. It was rooted in me, and not outside. It emerged from within. I guess habit and manners are good enough to deal with external world. But for dealing with inner world, one needs to master instincts – the most illogical idea.

I know that I have to deal with this Dil-e-Nadan in a much more subtle way, in a friendly but firm manner. Others may not understand the loopholes in my mind, but I understand. Working with others for a change is easy; transforming oneself is an act of much deeper conflict.

But as the saying goes, recognition is half the solution. May be my mind has indeed helped me by showing its wickedness.

Dil –e- Nadan has its unique way of working with me for my transformation. I appreciate it and I enjoy it.


  1. Is it a behaviour resembling that of apes or monkeys, our ancestors?

  2. I see it just child like feeling, as children do many things without understanding the consequences. I don't see it very cruel or ugly thought. While thinking on what you wrote I feel, do we have continuous pressure of behaving in socailly accepted way or in other words being 'good'? We never let our mind to flow but control it all the time. I feel Such mischevous thoughts act as safety volves. Ofcourse we should not cause harm to anybody. (Again control factor came) So this trapeze excerise always goes on; more for women? (Diwahi wizanar nahi ani padarhi petnar nahi ashi kasarat)
    Ofcourse I haven't experienced Vipashyana, so for meditation practitioners, these thoughts may appear very preliminary.

  3. I agree with PK - it is a safety valve that out mind behaves irrationally, sometimes in ways we consider ugly.

  4. Do you know the concept "Schadenfreude", pleasure derived from others' misfortune? It is a human impulse which I believe is universal. So I guess it is because you are such a nice and educated person that it took you several days of meditating to have that ugly little beast we all carry with us come out. It may serve as an indicator that after all, you are not an angel (as it may seem at times), but a human being like all the rest of us, even if we can't compete with your kindness! Schadenfreude is a human impulse and it won't go away just because societies and religions sanction it. It can only be suppressed and when the situation arises, it will come out naturally.

  5. Nutan, may be this is the animal instinct we all carry within.

    Pk, Sojo, yes I understand this 'safety valve' concept. But safety from what - is the question.

    Kjell, no I do not know the word, but the concept is known. I guess I am not trying to portray myself as an angel through this blog. Just the non-provocation was what I was struggling with :)

  6. Maybe you had some enmity with the person in previous birth which was brought out by rigorous meditation :) on serious note I think we all have a evil side of us which comes out in such moments ...

  7. Savita, I think our mind doesn't agree to keep us without thoughts. We do some activity (it can be physical, or psychological) , we think a lot, so when U thought about stretching ur leg and that person will fall because of this action at that time U didn’t have any work, thought ………………..so ur mind thought of doing something…………and at the same time that specific person entered in the hall ………so from inner mind U must have not thought like that but ur mind was searching for some activity………………………

  8. Savita,
    My grandfather told me about a school of buddhist thought. Acc to this the impulses we get are a result of our natures in our past birth. By acting on the kind impulses and rejecting the unkind impulses, in each birth we become more compassionate and divine.

  9. Dhiman, ha, ha! Enmity of last birth, a good idea. That logic suits to my ever logic-finding brain!

    Ashlesha, yep, mind is bang on doing some or the other activity. The saying 'Empty mind is devil's workshop'turned out to be true for me.

    Satyaska, right. Vipassana too teaches the same.

    Thanks magiceye.


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