46. Hold It

This is a ‘mad’ post.
You can either skip it or curse me.
You have a choice, I do not have.

May be, I have a range of choices, not to write is one choice, write but not to post is another, to post but not to inform is the third….. Like a magician; we all create things out of nothing.

Life nowadays is too full of mundane purposes and targets to be achieved. All these achievements lead me nowhere, is the fact with which I am trying to cope up. I let loose myself once in a while. When I am lazing and I have no purpose, I become livelier. Sometimes I create challenges to save myself from rusty routine. My strategy is not to be influenced by instinct in day to day life and no burden of logic at turning points.

I know I am not compelled to live rotten life. If I have it, it is just a matter of time that I will not have it so rotten. When I am unable to leave things, I wonder who holds what? I mean, I cling to the world or it is the other way? Is the ‘World – Me’ relationship just an illusion? What binds me in the apparently isolated existence? What makes the illusion about bondage? Is there only one way of escape? May be not; because there are innumerable ways of bondage. The moment I feel I am free; I have new territories to conquer.

With all these complex thoughts at the background, I was reading a book. Since I was initiated into the art of reading, I have always enjoyed it. I am fully awake when I read. I know some people, who read so that they can sleep… I always find it funny.

I was tired that day – physically and emotionally. But I was still in good spirit. I don’t know whether you have noticed it or not, but sometimes you become TWO. I mean you watch your actions, your emotions, your tensions, your decisions, and your joy without getting involved into yourself. It is as if you are watching some stranger, whose interests do not matter to you. No, it is not split personality; it is an experience that cannot be explained in words.

When I was young, I had more faith in ONENESS, involvement, engrossment… the older I grow, the more I enjoy the isolation, the aloofness, the distance, the difference… the separation of me from myself, of me and the world around. Sounds crazy? I bet, it is.

So, I was reading a book and I was watching myself reading a book. I noticed that I was holding the book not in one, two or three ways…. but in nine different ways.

The same book and the same me… but I relate to the book in different ways, so as to feel that ‘things are really different’. But in the heart of heart I know that it is the same. I am just trying to explore it from a different angle, different view point … but when we two remain the same, will things really change? Knowing fully well that the book will remain the same; and it is up to me to interpret it and find joy out of it……is an important aspect of living within.

With this entire journey so far, if life restricts me to only freedom of interpretation, I need to embrace life in another way….I will seize it in such a manner that how I hold it will not matter anymore.

Hopefully I will not be required to hold it.