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It started today morning. Since then the word REVENGE had been coming to me again and again, I did not know from where. Sure, I had thought of it for long. No doubt, my life for two decades was focused on this word, this theme. I had reserved all my energies – mental as well as physical for the execution of this idea. The thought was bold, it was aggressive, it was demanding, it was provocative. It was dancing before my mind’s eye constantly. Instead of getting pumped, this time I was completely drained.
Apparently I had forgotten it all in the last few days. Not because there was a change of mind, but because I was in a completely different environment. Every idea, every thought has its place and time. Irrelevance is the dumbest crime. Sometimes someone speaks to you and the word lingers – every time bringing new meaning, creating new space for itself. But I had not spoken to anyone in the last eight to nine days. Not even the customary greetings or formal conversations. I was in a large crowd and though I knew most of them, I had no eye contact with anyone around me, leave speaking. Yes, there were teachers with whom I could speak to if I wanted, but I did not want to speak to them. They asked me few questions once in a while, but they were so superficial that my nod was enough.
I was in a Vipassna camp. I mean I was in my usual residence. But I was also in a ten days camp; where one was supposed to observe complete silence. No talking, no reading or writing, no music or news, not even exercises. Get up early at 4.30 and till 9.00 in the night meditate, meditate and meditate. There were recorded instructions and some teachers to help if you needed any help. I was not sure they could help, so never asked them any question. I did not want to open my mind to them; I was always a very private person.
I was always made to follow rules and orders. I could never afford to be a rebellion. So, generally I accepted discipline, rules set by others. I was always surrounded by police – moral and material – and they always controlled me. I always wanted to be the controller of my own life, but that never happened. Everything for me was decided by somebody else, without my consultation, against my wishes. So being in Tihar Jail was not much of a problem for me, neither for the Jail management. Oh, yes, Tihar Jail is my residence for the last twenty years. This Vipassana camp was Bedi madam’s idea. Since this officer took charge of our Jail, things have changed; life had become much better for us.
I was used to hard work. I actually never had the luxury to live without work. Initially it was difficult to sit with folded legs for hours. So the knees pained. The body rebelled. The mind was shattered as it had no activity to fill the gap. I felt sleepy many times. So many unwanted thoughts hidden in the mind came to the forefront that I was frightened. Was I very violent? Was there no softness, no love in me? Was I that bad as a human being? Was I so selfish? Was I so shallow? The world always said so, but I knew I was much better than what the world thought about me. With so many intense feelings appearing clearly, I was in a complete chaos. I was not sure that I would remain sane at the end of the camp. The way I had lived my sane life, to become insane really did not make any difference.
Determination, courage, tenacity were required. That is what the recorded message told repeatedly. Slowly I started enjoying myself. Anyway, I was living as dead. Why not try this option? My mind needed some change; my soul needed some kind of reprieve. The rhythm of breath was soothing. Slowly the mind started to calm down. There were memories and memories – some good and many more bad. But the words “anichcha, anichcha” (transient) of Goenka Gurujee gave another perspective. Everything was so temporary I realized. I could see the connection between the body sensations and the thought processes; I understood the concept of ‘observing without response’ and when I practiced that everything suddenly changed. There was peace, there was calmness, there was light, there was happiness. The thread which was invisible for so many years suddenly appeared and the past was forgotten completely; without any hopes of future. But there was no vacuum.
You know what was my crime? I was accused of killing my young daughter and my husband. The fact is different though. That rascal and his gang (God forgive them!) raped me consistently for two days and two nights. My baby cried as I was not even free to breastfeed her, he killed my daughter first. My husband was made to watch the rape. I never knew whether he died of the weapon or he died of shame – shame of not being able to protect me. It was a clean murder.
Someone found me unconscious with the dead body of my daughter and my husband. I was accused of their murder. I was so shattered that I could not explain. I had no proof either. The rascals were ‘friends’ of my husband – they said and everybody believed. The people I knew accused me even before the court trial. I had no place to go and stay so I came to jail. I found jail to be the safest place for me.
But once I regained my sense, I always wanted to take revenge of those three animals – those who killed my daughter and my husband …. They had killed me too. Revenge was the goal for which I had lived for the last twenty years and I was ready to die for that moment.
Since today morning, the feeling of revenge is trying to guide me, it is trying to gain control over me. It is teasing me, it is motivating me, and it is provoking me. It is talking about sense of duty; it is talking of love, my commitment towards you. The feeling of revenge is exploding within me. But the mind is not completely accepting those suggestions.
Now I don’t think it is possible for me to take revenge. No more.Never. I can’t torture or kill anybody. I am not fit for it. I have lost the urge, though my love for you remains intact. Would we meet again? Not in body but at least in spirit?
My dear little angel, wherever you are, would you forgive me for not taking revenge? For forgiving those who killed you so young and so brutally?
My dear man, would you understand the change of my mind and would you embrace me with the same love, if and when we meet again?
It is the last hurdle I need to pass….and then I would be free for ever…..In a world without revenge.